Note to Self

Note to self:

When you’re outside in the fall garden and you see the cute little bright red peppers on your ornamental ‘Black Pearl’ pepper plants, don’t be tempted to pick one off and taste it just to see how hot it is.

And if you can’t help yourself and take a bite anyway (“WOW THAT’S HOT!!!!!”) and immediately spit it into your hand, don’t walk around with it in your palm for 5 minutes because despite the fact you can no longer feel the end of your tongue, you see a nifty garden photo op that you can’t pass up with the camera in your other hand.

And later that evening when you notice your hand feels a little uncomfortable, no, make that ON FIRE, dab your tongue on it just to verify that it’s the capsaicins from that pepper you just couldn’t leave well enough alone earlier in the day. And when you’re sure that’s why your hand is hotter than a bonfire at a pep rally, don’t waste your time with all the useless home remedies suggested on the internet. You’ll only fall victim to the other half-wits that came before you. The cures might sound good, but rubbing your hand with olive oil or milk, setting it in a paste of baking soda and water, soothing it with a raw tomato or putting Benadryl cream on it WON’T WORK.

And when there is only one suggestion left and it sounds a little scary because you saw what raw bleach did to your mother-in-law’s hands that time, don’t be afraid. Soak your hand in a solution of one part bleach to three parts water. Your hand will smell like bleach for two days, but the burning will stop and you won’t have to fret anymore about accidentally rubbing your eye with your pepper hand and blinding yourself.

I know it’s almost insulting to suggest you’d ever be dumb enough to find yourself in such a situation, but if you do, I’ve got you covered!

Best Regards,

Me